One Guy One Cup (the whole story)

EDITS

- 12/16/2008 - Believe it or not, this little page is now near the top of google's "one guy one cup" search results. After some internal deliberation I decided to post the rest of my little story. Click here to see it (I tried not to be too graphic).
- 2/10/2009 - The sequal to this story is here.


I've had to take a lot of physicals in my life and I'm not the type of person that ever had a problem with going in a cup. However, I've known lots of people that did. I remember one of my friends in high school would go to the nurse's office once an hour trying to produce a sample for the nurse (which reminds me of a story that another guy I know had: he claimed that the nurse complimented him on his piece. Surrrrrreeeeee she did).

Anyway, I had to have a physical this morning and this included the obligatory trip to the rom with a cup. As usual, I had no problems at all. I did my business and then did the rest of my business and then got ready to leave. And that's when it happened: I knocked the cup into the sink. It was at that point I got a glimpse of why people have such problems doing this. I didn't have any more to give but needed to give more. Ugh...

Second Cup

The impetus for the first part of my story is that I've been going to doctors to make sure that all of my plumbing is in order. Little did I know that the first part of the tests was the easy part! I will try to tell the rest of the story without being too graphic.

As luck would have it, part of this whole process was to give a sperm sample to make sure that the boys swim upstream (who knew?). Worse, the only time that I could get an appointment was late morning. For those of you that have never had to do this, the sperm has to be in a cup and at the labratory within an hour of .... liftoff. This means that I either had to take part of the day off, spend some extra time in the car in the parking lot or use the "facilities" at the clinic. I probably shouldn't admit this but I did consider option #2 for a while before finally deciding on door #3 (literally).

Now I know there have been several movies and comedy bits that touched on this subject but I must say that you really don't have an appreciation for them until you are in that spot. The nurse walked me through a long hallway where I must have passed by 10 other nurses. Of course, they all knew where I was going. What would one call that? (I really want to say "Walk of Came" so I have to put it in parenthesis around it so that I really didn't say it).

The inside of the room was rather sterile. There were a couple of chairs, a table, a small tv and a vcr. The nurse said to take my time (what if I hurried? wouldn't that count?) and that to bring the cup with me when I was done. She closed the door behind me and then I was alone in the room. It was at that point that it hit me: how could anyone touch anything in this room? I mean, the room only served one purpose. I was curious to see what was playing but I really didn't want to go near the remote control. I'm assuming that it wasn't the new Batman.

I'll spare you the gory details but there was one other interesting thing that happened on that trip: the cup. When you think about it, you're not trying to release the jack in the box and catch it at the same time. I better stop there.

The clinic requires two samples so I had to make an appointment for the following week. This time there would be no experiences in the parking lot or door #3 as I got an appointment before work. Hey, at least I knew what was playing in my own dvd player. So anyway, I did what I had to do and then got ready for work. It did seem a little weird to be carrying my lunch in one bag and and my 'homework' in the other. How funny would it have been to mixed up the bags? So I get to the clinic and I take the homework bag into their office and sign in. I take a seat in the lobby with eight or ten other people and it is quickly apparent that I am the only one that brought homework. I'm sure it is fairly obvious what I have with me. So there I was... me on one seat, my friends on the seat next to me.

It wasn't too long before my name was called and I walk into the room with my baggage. The woman didn't blink as she asked what was in the bag and I told her, and she didn't seem fazed by taking it out either. It was at that point that the story mercifully ends. Stay tuned for the next installment of me throwing myself under the bus. And think twice before shaking my hand next time ;-).