Life on One Leg

I haven't been able to jog my lately - I believe that my running shoes finally deteriorated to the point where I had sprained an arch. I have been biking twice a week but that isn't quite the same. I really noticed the difference when playing ball - my legs didn't feel as loose as they normally do. After my game last week my hammstrings felt really tight so I knew I wasn't quite right.

I was taking it pretty easy during last night's game. It was the bottom of the fifth and we were down by one run. I was on second base when the batter lined one into center. I got on my horse as there was going to be a play at the plate. I was about ten feet from the plate when I had this odd sensation. It felt like someone had stuck a knife into the back of my leg.

I not only felt it. I heard it. Pop.

I limped back to the bench. I have pulled a hammie or a groin (shut it!) several times but never like this. I was actually hyperventilating on the bench and I even had to lay down to avoid passing out. After burning all of the skin off of my hand and breaking bones as a kid, my pain threshold is pretty high. It just felt awful.

You don't realize how weird it is to have this kind of injury until you have one. I limped around the dugout until the game ended. I did resist going back into the game to play first base - I knew that I would hurt it again (like I foolishly did last year).

So I'm walking back to the car and I get as far as the edge of the field. My leg just refused to go anymore (it took me 5 minutes to walk the 100 feet). One of my teammates saw this and pulled his car over. I know this is going to sound really stupid for a minute I had the jock mentality that says you never wanted to be carted off the field. I came this close to telling him that I was alright but then I stopped myself from being a complete douchebag. Lets not get carried away here - you got hurt playing softball, tough guy. So I shut my trap and agreed to get in the bar. Problem #1 - I couldn't get into the passenger seat because I couldn't bend my leg. So I awkwardly crawled into the back seat, my leg still sticking out the door.

So we get to my car and I slide out of the car. I think my buddy and toss my stuff into the trunk. And then it hits me - I don't know how I'm going to get into my car. I spent about 5 minutes trying to get into the car (at one point coming this close from sitting on the stick shift - now wouldn't that have been a story). I do finally get in when I realized that I had another obstacle - I had hurt my left foot and my car has a manual transmission. Every time I shifted I felt a pain shoot through my leg. Needless to say I didn't stop for any stop signs.

So I get home and I want nothing more than a shower and a beer. I start to take my clothes off (with Rebecca's help - I couldn't take my socks off) and I manage to get into the shower. Things went pretty well there (I am sure you wanted to know that) until it came time to wash my smelly feet. I did what anyone would do - I poured some shampoo on the floor of the shower and did a little dance.

The rest of the night wasn't that bad. I got to lay on the couch and Rebecca brought me several Sam Adams Summer Ale to make me feel better (as an aside, one of the guys from the team said I should go home and have Rebecca rub it. I said "sure, that's great, but what about my leg?" Anyway.... ). It was a little awkward falling asleep because my leg had to be slightly bent.

The morning brought on new challenges. I thought dressing would be easier than it really was. I grabbed a pair of jeans and then took a couple of minutes to figure out how this engineering project was going to work. I was so happy when I finally did manage to get them on - you should have seen the look of contentment on my face. And then I saw the socks. My feet looked so far away.... I felt like I was a prisoner that managed to pick the lock on his cell only to realize that there were five more locked cells to get through. I gave it a go anyway and I must have yelled loud enough that I woke Rebecca up. She had me lay on my back and she put on my socks and shoes. All the while I used my creepiest voice to say "thanks, mommy". She doesn't like that.

So there it is - all this for a game of softball. I'm off to have my leg looked at.
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One of my favorite comedians is Patrice O'Neal. If you've never heard of him, check out the video at the bottom of this page (unless you are easily offended). He schools a woman on what "funny" is. Anyway, he had a brilliant line a couple of weeks ago when he referred to someone on TV as "the ugliest hot chick that he's ever seen".

We were watching the classic Blue Velvet (review) last week. In case you're not familiar with the film, it stars Dennis Hopper and a very young Laura Dern. I couldn't help thinking of that line.


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