The Only Romantic Love is Unfulfilled Love?

Let me state up front that this will probably be one of my more controversial blogs that I've done in a while.

I recently viewed Woody Allen's latest film, Vicky Christina Barcelona (brief review here). I absolutely loved the film and I recommend that you give it a look if you like thoughtful movies. No, I'm not partial to the movie just because there may have been a scene with girls kissing. Life just works out sometimes.

One of the central themes to the movie is that we are too practical and that we don't seek out life experiences often enough. Without giving away too much of the plot, at one point one of the main characters offers the following statement:

The only romantic love is unfulfilled love

Wow, that's a bombshell. Is it true? In my opinion, yes it is.

At this point I'm going to guess that most of you (especially the women) want to tear my head off. Before you attempt to do this please hear me out as my rationale may not be what you think it is. One quick note: it does help to hear this quote in the context of the movie. We all probably have a different idea of what "romantic love" is.

Let me explain to you what I think "romantic love" is. I think romantic love is that fairytale stuff that happens at the beginning of relationships and in chick flicks. I'm not discounting this kind of "love" here - it does in fact exist and it is something that feels really good. Some might say magical.

Lets think about the zillions of movies and shows about love that have been made over the years. We see all of the trials and tribulations that people go through in the hopes of finding love. We root for them because we want to share that little bit of magic that they would be feeling. And by the end of the movie their love is realized and.... the movie ends. Once their relationship is realized we really don't care about them anymore because the romance is over. There is a reason why you don't see any movies about newlyweds.

There are movies and tv shows about people in relationships but they are comedies that portray how difficult relationships can be. There have been a ton of tv shows where the main characters flirted for a year or two and then finally got together. And once it happens the drama and the interest is gone. In fact, the show almost always goes up in flames when that happens because the magic and the mystery and everything we root for us gone (Moonlighting is my favorite example of this). There is a reason why the X-Files never had Mulder and Scully get together. They knew we wanted them to get together and we tuned in every year hoping it would happen.

I know, I know. Many of you are screaming at me about how the romance isn't dead when two people get married and that it is something you work at to keep alive. Once again, please hear me out. I've never understood the fascination with people having to work towards the illusion that there is still that thing that used to exist when they just met. Many seem indignant at the mere suggestion that romance dies or changes with marriage. Why is that? Why is that such a threatening statement?

In my humble opinion, a long term relationship or even marriage does in fact change everything and that is perfectly ok. Think about it. How many times have you felt butterflies and all of that other crap about someone? And where are all of those people now?

Relationships are tough. They do in fact require a ton of work. But they can be great as well as you can discover new heights and many new things about love that you never expected. I don't need to worry myself with recapturing butterflies and stuff that I felt when I was 18. I'm an adult now and I'd much rather continue to pursue "adult" love. Some of you might think that saying all of this is in itself unromantic but I don't think so. Too many people spend time worrying about maintaining this fantasy or even recapturing it. And it seems like the people that spend the most time doing it are the ones with the worst relationships.

So at the end of the day the love that never had a chance to play out is unspoiled and will always deliver. It never had a chance to flame out spectacularly or to become one of the many relationships that we wished never happened. I'm reminded of a scene from one of my favorite tv shows of all time - "Soap". Jessica had hired a detective to find her lost husband only to then fall in love with the detective. Jessica then realizes the potential conflict of interest.

Jessica: How do I know you'll still want to find my husband if it possibly means the end of us?

Detective: I'll find him. I'd much rather compete with the man than compete with the ghost.