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Self Esteem and the Swingset

Created on Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Home -> Blog -> 2010 -> June

I don't know why this is but it seems that self esteem has become an increasingly bigger problem in this country. I'm not sure why that is. My best guess is that we are a nation of extreme riches so that leads us to worry about the trivial stuff. It isn't unlike how retirees tend to obsess about much more than they did when they were working. You won't see a poor kid on the streets of Calcutta turning down a sandwich because it wasn't made with low-fat mayo.

I guess I'm fortunate in that I don't have a lot of these kinds of issues. It isn't that I think I'm perfect. In fact, it has absolutely nothing to do with how you view yourself. The key is how you deal with how others view you. I learned a long time ago that nobody else carries around a torch for you - why should you have a spot in your head for them?

I believe that I came to this realization when I was in my mid-to-late teens. We had a swingset that was sitting in the middle of our back yard and it hadn't been used by anyone in a long, long time. I asked my mother why we didn't give it away. She said "but what if someone comes to visit that might want to use it?".

This might seem like a rather harmless statement but on some level it really struck something inside of me. Why would anyone want to keep a swingset for someone else? It just boggled my mind. It wasn't long after that the idea of keeping a swingset became a metaphor of sorts. Why would anyone concern themselves that much with the thoughts of others?

Who is keeping a swingset for you?

In some sense this was an extremely freeing revelation. As an average-looking guy (and a below-average looking teen) self esteem was always something that I struggled with just like anyone else did. But for some reason this revelation cleared the air and I could breathe a little easier. I was no longer concerned with how people perceived me. If someone liked me, great. If not, that's fine too. After all, I really didn't spend that much time judging others. Why would I want to worry about them judging me? We all know people in our lives that spend time trying to placate the desires of others (or worse, the perceived desires). That's like trying to bail out the titanic with a bucket. You can't catch that rainbow so why try?

Is it easy? Of course not. In a way I'm grateful that the swingset example presented itself to me. We all try different methods to get to that point. Sometimes we'll try to fool ourselves into thinking that we don't care. I don't think that works - as I've said before, you never want to cheat on yourself. If you don't feel it in your gut I don't think it is real.

I think that women struggle with this far more than men do. You see this in social circumstances all the time. Many women seem absolutely mortified at the thought of crossing another woman. Worse, many people fear any kind of conflict (perceived or real) so they go out of their way to try to keep the waters calm. You know the type - the person that has to play peacekeeper in the event that two adults have a difference of opinion. Men may be stupid and ignorant at times (maybe often), but we can have a difference of opinion and not get emotional about it.

I think the real gain here is that others pick up on how you perceive yourself. Think about it. We've all been in situations where we didn't feel good about ourselves and it ended up costing us in some way. I think that deep down people try to get over on other people. We take as much slack as someone gives us. But what if there was no slack to give? Have you noticed that people don't mess with someone that appears to be confident and sure of themselves? Nope, it doesn't happen. A few years ago a girl that I worked with used to cry because some of the other girls didn't ask her to lunch. One day she completely broke down and had an outburst in the office (and then passed out). I asked her why she wanted to befriend people that knew that she was hurting but still wanted nothing to do with her. It didn't matter - their acceptance meant that much to her.

I recently read the amazing Letters to a Young Contrarian and the book dealt with these kind of topics. I know what you're probably thinking - why would a book advocate being contradictory all of the time. In fact, it doesn't. It advocates holding positions based on principle and not being afraid to hold on to them in the face of adversity (especially when you are in the minority). The hardest part is always the fallout. I found this out when I made the decision that I was no longer going to be a second-class citizen in my own family. I had to go it alone and it was really, really hard. But it was the right decision for me (I was tired of having a swingset) and the pain that I went through turned into a stronger me and better people around me (note: I cringed as I wrote this because people may read this and think of the phrase "whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger. No, it doesn't. Only you can make you stronger by using these kinds of experiences the right way. Pain by itself is just pain and it often weakens our resolve). And to this day it often isn't easy. I know that I'd probably have more friends if I'd chosen a different approach. To me, it is worth it every time (even if it resulted in some lonely Friday nights and holidays).

I'm not trying to make this a self-help manual or anything like that. Like any other blog it is something that I've had on my mind lately and wanted to put it out there.

Pirates and Unexpected Sadness

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Self Esteem and the Swingset

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