Lessons Learned After Two Years of Marriage

Wifey and I have now been married for two years. Like any couple we have had our share of ups and downs. I believe that we work very, very hard at our relationship and I think it shows in how we interact with each other.

Last night I proposed that we write down our views on marriage in our own websites without having seen what the other wrote. Rebecca agreed and here we are. You can see her thoughts on this here (we agreed not to see the other's before they were posted).

In no particular order, here are my current philosophies on marriage. I suppose that most of them would apply to any relationship.

For crying out loud, stop worrying about what other couples do or what your parents did. This one really aggravates me. The perfect relationship isn't what society tells us it should be, it is whatever you want it to be. This is where the romantic crap that permeates young people's minds really causes a problem. I remember when a friend of mine got married, his wife used to say that her parents went to bed at the same time every night. She then looked at him - it was clear that she expected the same from him. What could be worse? Have the courage to make your relationship your own.

Don't compromise on principle. It is one thing to take one for the team when you agree to watch a movie that you didn't particularly want to see. It is quite another to compromise on something that you believe with all of your heart. You'll pay for it later if you do make this compromise or bury your head in the sand hoping that it goes away.

Be who you are, right from the beginning. So many relationships start off on the wrong foot because someone puts on a different face. This also applies to not putting up with things that you wouldn't put up with later on. If your guy drinks too much at the beginning, he'll drink too much later. These things will only snowball as the days go by.

(as an aside, this reminds me of the one scene in High Fidelity - many thoughts on that movie here - where John Cusack laments on how women only wear their sexy underwear on the days where they know the new guy might see them)

It is perfectly ok (and sometimes necessary) to go to bed mad at each other. Why the hell wouldn't it be? This goes back to the first entry on this list. Have you ever been so deep in a fight where you didn't even know what you were fighting about anymore? There are times where you both need to cool down. If this fight started at 1 a.m. (as they often do), the only option is to sleep. Everyone has a different perspective on something when you get some distance from it. We're told to "sleep on it" when we have a decision to make - why wouldn't we do it here?

If you're in an argument and one person feels it is going absolutely nowhere, it is perfectly ok for that person to call for a break. This is a bit of a tricky one. First, there has to be a trust between two people that says that you can't call for this break frivolously (for example, if you were in the wrong and just not in the mood to deal with the consequences). Second, the other person has to respect the agreement. If someone calls for a break, you must take the break.

In a fight, do not bring up a) new complaints or b) issues that you settled long ago. If you have an issue that you'd like to see addressed, bring it up in the light of day when everyone is calm. If you've settled a past dispute do not bring it up again. If you did something wrong and have apologized for it, it would be awful of me to keep hanging you for it.

In an argument, always keep your rational mind about you. This has several meanings. Of course, I would argue that you should always have your rational mind about you but that isn't the blog for that ;-). It is so easy to let your emotions get the best of you. Just because you feel a certain way doesn't mean that you have the right to act on that feeling. Also, don't argue for or against something in the heat of battle that you wouldn't argue for when you are come. You should have the same beliefs and values in a fight that you would have outside of a fight.

You may feel a certain way but that doesn't make it valid. It drives me bonkers when I hear that people feel a certain way and that means, no matter how irrational they are, that the feeling must be respected. For example, lets say that your significant other wants to go to a bar after work and you know that there are many very attractive members of the opposite sex that frequent this club. Might you be jealous? Worried? Sure, but that should never mean that your significant other should not do something just because of your struggles. This is where taking a stand on principle is so important. There are soooo many times when these kinds of things come in to play. You can not grow as individuals or as a couple if you play in to fears.

Don't give air time to bad thoughts. If you think a bad thought long enough it will gain credibility in your head.

Don't be afraid to apologize. I know that this may sound like common sense but it can be tough to apply it to every day life. We are often tempted to argue a point to save face. Saying that you are sorry is easy to do once you get used to it. It is also incredibly freeing when you really mean it.

Don't lose track of who you are. So many people do this and have a crisis later in life.

Always apologize for more than you really think you should. It never hurts to do this. After all, chances are you are more wrong than you realize. This is one of my favorites.

If you can't settle a fight, the tie goes to the husband. I'm just trying to keep the peace here ;-).

I'd love to hear your thoughts - please use the Comment button below. If this is the first time that you've visit my blog, welcome! I hope to see you back here again soon. You can find links to my most recent blogs in the left-hand column of Rebecca's homepage (and vice versa).