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    Scenes from Childbirth Class


    Created on Monday, May 24, 2010        Bookmark and Share

    Home -> Blog -> 2010 -> May


    I know that this may sound a little odd but the whole idea of being a parent was still kind of abstract before Saturday. Sure, we've been thinking of names and seeing sonograms and wondering where the stork is going to land (ok, time to give up that fantasy). But it still just seemed so... distant.

    I was actually really dreading going to childbirth class. Part of it was because it was an all-day class - I can't imagine enjoying anything where I would be sitting in the same seat for eight hours without a beer in my hand. But the majority of my dread had to do with the possibility of seeing or hearing things that I quite frankly didn't want to hear or see. I'm just being honest - I struggle with the ickiness part of all of this.

    So we pulled up to the hospital a few minutes before 9 a.m. Either there was an "Over-eaters Anonymous" convention going on or other people we attending the same class. It turns out that the latter was true (I think). The first thing that we noticed was that Rebecca was a waif compared to the rest of the group. Try as she might, my bestest gal is still barely showing.

    It wasn't until we arrived was I informed that the pillows that we brought were not for nap time. Needless to say, this was a downer. We arrived a little later than most people and this left us with a seat right in front of the tv. Needless to say, I wasn't going to be any closer to possible horrific video than I had to be and we got up and moved post-haste (and no, I'm not joking). The first announcement to the class was that we would probably only be there until 3:30 p.m. and not 5 p.m. It was at this time that I started to reconsider my own lack of religious belief.

    The class started with something that really illustrates the difference between men and women. The instructors went around the room and asked us who we were, when we were due (as if I'm due) and the gender. This was then followed up by a "get to know your neighbor" couple of minutes. In both cases the men just looked straight ahead. That is the great thing about being a guy - you just know when other men are stuck in the same predicament as you and there is a silent bond. We just exchanged knowing looks and that was all that needed to be said.

    The class was actually fairly interesting although they could have condensed it into a couple of hours. I am very much a meat-and-potatoes kind of learner - just give me what I absolutely need to know and dispense with the other garbage. That said, I've always been pretty good at amusing myself during the breaks between vital information. I'll sometimes make up puzzles or write code in my head. Or I'll just shut the brain off for a while (something else that men can easily do). It is hard not to make jokes during these kinds of sessions as my brain sometimes look for amusement. At one point the instructor asked us to come up with all of the four letter words that are associated with labor, such as "fear". It took all of the strength I had not to point out how ironic that a different four letter word resulted in all of the other four letter words. But alas, I share that with you.

    At one point in the class the instructor started asking the class answers to various questions instead of teaching them to us. As you might have guessed, this slowed down the class as she was the alleged expert in this material. Alright Mrs. Trebeck, can we speed this up a bit? And there probably wasn't a need to pass around forceps, catheters and the like. I'm guessing that if they need to be used that I probably won't want to see them up close when they are being used.

    The thing that really puzzled me was the pillows. We were asked to each bring a pillow for breathing exercises but the breathing exercises lasted a grand total of 60 seconds. It was a little awkward because we had to do the exercises right along with our significant others and I hate to do that kind of stuff. It just reminded me of every bad sitcom that I was doing all of this, not to mention that I hate artificial relaxation methods. I know, I'm a sourpuss. On a similar note, the faggy men in the videos kept commenting on how hard it was to keep it together while their wives were in pain. "I had stay strong for my wife - I couldn't let her see me struggling". Really? She's passing a bowling ball and you're trying to take one for the team? I may find this stuff unsettling at times but the last thing I'm ever going to pretend is that I'm doing something noble by sucking it up for a while.

    All in all, it wasn't too bad. There was only one moment where I had to look away but it was easy to see that coming. My fear is that I would get fooled like I was in sixth grade. My friend's mother was subbing in science class the day that we were to watch "the" movie. She had this weird grin on her face before the movie started, and that was odd because we had the same stupid grin because we were about to watch a school-sanctioned p8rn. So the movie starts and they're going at it and all of the boys are whooping and hollering. And then... the movie goes from the sheer bliss to horror. That's right - without warning, they cut right to the actual birth. I still can't find the words....

    We finished off the day with a trip up to the delivery room and baby nursery. I was looking for the room where the expectant fathers were supposed to wait but I didn't find it. Maybe you need a password or something, I don't know.

    Published in the Buffalo News   More in MAY   Defending Liberals (Kind of)

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