You probably all have an idea of how I feel about certain things. Sports, skepticism, politics, using your brain, etc. And belief in the almighty, of course. If you want to have a conversation about the latter I am all for it but I generally do not going looking for it because it is such a sensitive topic.

So I'm mowing the law last weekend and I notice a car parked on the side of the road a few doors down. This is rather odd because the driveways are rather long on my street as the houses are set back off of the road. So I'm doing my laps around the yard when I see a well-dressed couple hop into the car, drive a few doors down and then get out of the car again. They are now close enough where I can notice the the man is carrying a book. This can only mean one thing:

Jehovah's Witnesses.

Throw in a fat man and a tree and I would have thought it was Christmas (ok, probably not the analogy I wanted to use). I was probably more excited about this than I should have been. As I said before, I do not go around lecturing people on their beliefs. However, if you want to come knocking on my door telling me that you have some supernatural knowledge that I am not aware of.... oh, happy days.

So I'm continuing on with my laps around the yard but my brain is going 100 m.p.h. Let me make one thing perfectly clear - I would only do this with a sect that was as cultish as the JW's are. I had read up on them after receiving a letter to my house from a JW after one of my recent letters that was published in the Buffalo News (apparently he misread my letter and thought that I was merely down on Christianity. It turns out that the JW's REALLY hate the Christians). You can read more about them here (it is very interesting) but here is a snapshot of what they believe:
- Only the top 144,000 JW's go to heaven. I've read that this number is expanded. After all, people started to do the math and realized that this quota has already been reached. It would be a tough sell if heaven was already full, wouldn't it?
-God is neither omniscient nor omnipresent. -They are forbidden to celebrate Christmas or Birthdays.
-They are forbidden to speak to someone that has left the cult.
-The government is the work of the devil.
-They are forbidden to buy girl scout cookies (no joke).
-There is no eternal judgement. If you didn't make the cut that is the end of the line for you.


The funny thing is that I probably agree with half of those items. I'm guessing that the issue with the girl scouts is that they are bankrolled by the Mormons. The JW's only recently ended their ban on higher education - I'm guessing that they were willing to sacrifice a more learned following (the more education you have, the less likely you are to be religious) for the possibility of the herd having higher-paying jobs. If some of this sounds a little "out there", it might not be. Many of their beliefs are founded on a strict interpretation of the Bible.

So I continue to ready myself as they get nearer. I first want to point out how misogynistic the group is (women are forbidden to pray without wearing a hat - go figure). I then want to point out that children are pulled out of school to campaign for the greater good. I had seen an example of this first-hand - a friend of mine was pulled out of 9th grade so that she could go on the road. She later left the church and her family is forbidden by JW from having any contact with her (she's doing well now).

I see them approach my neighbor's house. He doesn't answer the front door so they walk around to the back door. The back door! Oh my, they are determined. He brushes them away. I see them walk out to the street and then towards my house. The excitement almost oversome me!

And they they walk right on by.

I was the ONLY person that was out in their yard and they just plain skipped me. What's up with that? I feel like the cute alter boy that the priest passed over for the chubby kid. What did I do to deserve this? Am I on some kind of JW "do not call" list? For a minute I thought about following them but that would look a little creepy. After all, I'm sure they wouldn't take kindly to someone chasing them down the street on a riding lawnmower while yelling out stuff about the afterlife.

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Looking for a fantastic drink recipe for a summer gatherin? Check out this punch on Rebecca's site. I've had a few run-ins with this drink and lost every time. It tastes like candy going down.

Speaking of wifey, she got her iPhone last night (it was the last day that you could get on the unlimited data plan). If you know of any apps that she should have please post them on her site.

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I was checking out Stephen Hawking's show last night and it is pretty good. In case you are not familiar with him, he is the physicist that had Lou Gehrig's disease (or one just like it) and he is almost completely paralyzed (as an aside, a few years ago his ex-wife was accused of wheeling him out into the sun and leaving him there. No, I'm not making this up).

So anyway, Stephen was talking...errr... typing about time travel. The clocks on our GPS satellites are off by 3 billionths of a second every day when compared to earth time. Why the difference? The Earth is so massive that it slows down time for us. If the programmers of these satellites did not account for this difference, our gps devices would be off by 6 miles every day. Science rules.

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I recently came across a mention of Dicky Goodman the other day. Dicky is one of my favorite examples of how awful comedy was before the likes of Carlin and Pryor rose to prominence. Dicky would pretend to be interviewing some *thing* and the *thing* would answer in the form of a song. You can see an example of this below. Believe it or not this guy's "comedy" regularly made it into the Billboard top 100.

Goodman died in 1989. For some reason he wanted to put the business end of a gun to his head. Worse, he went to his son's house to do it. Selfish prick.



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Did anyone check out Ron and Fez? (the link is on the bottom left-hand corner of this page)? If so I'd love to hear what you think of them.








Comments 3

 
 Bob   Monday, June 7, 2010 4:50:24 PM

What a downer! I was all excited to hear about your conversation with the JW's.... and they passed you by!!!!! That is hysterical - especially since you were getting so pumped to atlk with them. And the nerve of them, going around to the back door. let the dogs out on 'em!

 muchgooder   Monday, June 7, 2010 4:05:29 PM

How much? That can be arranged.

 kristen you know the one   Monday, June 7, 2010 2:58:52 PM

OMG< i would have PAID A LARGE SUM to see you getting into a conversation iwth JW's. HAHHA!!!!